Four-Season BBQ Tips

Article by Jeff Mulette Jr.

Editor’s Note: An article from the Edville Gazette will be appearing weekly.

LITTLE LAKE—It may be minus-20, but that doesn’t mean its not still BBQ weather. All year is BBQ season if you do it right. And smoking your meat is the best way to enjoy venison or other game that you and your boys brought home.

Here are my tips for year-round BBQing. They don’t call me the Grill King for nothing. (Aimee says no one calls me that, but there was one time my buddy’s buddy did actually call me that when he tried my homemade venison sausages.)

Tip 1 | Get a new BBQ. Whatever you’re using now, toss it. Get a better one. No doubt you’ve been hm-ing and ha-ing over whether or not you can justify that brand spanking new, shiny grill. Get it and treat yourself to grilling bliss. Aimee finally caved and let me get this top-of-the-line grill and our marriage has never been stronger. I make a lot of dinners (so she’s happy) and I get to stand on the driveway with a beer for a spell in the relative peace and quiet (so I’m happy).

Tip 2 | Use hickory woodchips on your grill if you don’t have a smoker. Don’t be lazy about adding that smoky delicious flavour to your meats (because why the hell would you grill vegetables?). Douse those woodchips in some beer (I use Pabst, but you may want to do something fancier).

Tip 3 | Make sure you preheat your grill so it’s nice and hot. You want to sear your meat and seal in all the flavours, and you don’t want anything sticking. It’s not like you can just brush your grill anymore, since we discovered we’d been ingesting those grill-brush bristles for years and they’re probably killing us. Now Aimee makes me use an onion on a fork—I can’t think of a bigger indignity than a grown man standing there with an onion on a fork, cleaning a grill. It’s just weird. And I know my neighbour (who still uses the same wire bristle brush he’s had since the Korean War) is judging the sh*t out of me.

Tip 4 | Don’t let your wife talk you into putting vegetables on your grill. It may start with some mushrooms or some corn on the cob, but it’s going to escalate to an Italian antipasto mix. I don’t even know what the hell that is, but believe me, it’s not a steak. Head over to your local meat guy (and don’t tell me that you don’t have a meat guy) and get yourself a side of beef for your freezer. Invest in a whole pig (you can go in on one with a buddy if you’re on a diet), and get that high-quality protein. There’s no room for a legume on your grill. Spuds are okay, cobs of corn are at your discretion, but you have to draw the line, or you’re going to be eating grilled salads and wondering why you’re sitting down on the toilet when you take a leak.

Tip 5 | Hook your BBQ up to your natural gas line. You’ll thank me because you remember that time you had a BBQ for your kid’s first birthday and then you ran out of propane and then Aimee said to you “Hey, you got a back up tank, right?” and you clearly didn’t. And then she filed it away in her vindictive brain and now every time someone says they’re having a BBQ she gives you some wicked side-eye and tells them they better make sure there is a spare tank because heaven forbid your kid’s birthday party gets RUINED by your husband’s inability to do his husbandly duty of making fire upon which you can cook some meat. Just hook it up to the natural gas line. I know a guy who’ll do it for a case of beer.

And always make sure you’re wearing a shirt. My left nipple has never been the same since that one time I didn’t. Happy grilling.

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The Edville Gazette is beamed out weekly to discerning readers everywhere—from right here in Northumberland County. All content © Edville Gazette, 2020-21.

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